Backcountry Living (Part 3)

"The waiting is the hardest part"- Tom Petty

And now I’m back in the “real world.” I’m back to the regular routine of a 40-hour workweek, traffic, stress, inconveniences and insecurities. I’ve moved a little farther away from my “soul country” and am eager to return. To be honest, I’ve gotten pretty angry at God for giving me a glimpse of the type of work I believe I am called to do, but putting me right back into a place that feels so far from my dreams. I had no clue that the past few months were going to be a lesson in longing and desire.

So what do you do when God gives you a vision, or puts a passion in your heart, and then seems to be doing everything but fulfill that longing? Maybe you’ve experienced this with longing for a relationship, physical healing, a job, wisdom, having children…the examples are countless. But sometimes, God’s responses seem to be very few.

I’m just starting to get some perspective on my life after going on The Way, after much crying and yelling and questioning and shaking my fist at God. In the midst of all that, I found a few things that really helped me with my unfulfilled longings…

- Get it out. I have two huge, mirrored closet doors in my room, which have turned into a sort of canvas for my thoughts. I spent a few nights with a dry erase board marker, writing on my mirror every single feeling I was experiencing at that time. I wrote some feelings twice; some I wrote and then crossed off. I just kept writing until I couldn’t think of anything else, and it felt really good. Sometimes I erased it right away and other times, I left the words up on the mirror for a long time. Expressing those emotions made them more real yet it was so cathartic to be authentic and honest.

- Surrender. One night after writing down all those feelings, I just surrendered to God. I had nothing left to do or give, so I gave up. I released all of my dreams and frustration and hurt and hopes to God, believing that he must know better than me. Once I did that, I realized that life could be exciting when we allow God to move in us and do things that we could never have imagined.

- God wants to save you. A few weeks ago, a local artist visited my church and painted while the band played their regular worship songs. Each set of songs began with a blank canvas, and by the end, he had created a masterpiece in front of our eyes. I was in awe. As we sang about the cross, he painted Jesus’ face and crown of thorns. The story of salvation came to life, and I heard God say to me, “It is my joy to save you. I desire and love to bring you out of the places that seem too dark and too deep. I take delight in saving you.” God wants to save you.

- Be kind to yourself. I don’t know about you, but sometimes my longings turn into high expectations. Somehow, I equate “fulfilled longing” with “worth and value as a person.” I find my identity in my dreams and desires, rather than seeing them as expressions of who God made me to be. God is teaching me to accept and love myself, and find my true identity in him.

I am still on this journey of longing and desire, so by no means do I have this all sorted out. I’m sure you could keep adding to this list and I hope you do. My prayer is that as you discover and long for your “soul country,” God would give you grace, strength and encouragement.

Much love,

alair