Enough.
The past month of life has turned out to be very different than I expected.
-I'm staying at Hospice a few weeks longer than I had planned in order to get all of the hours I need to graduate. Ok, I can deal with that...
- I need to log a few more hours of supervision. Kind of a surprise, but I can do that...
- My final senior paper for school is taking longer than usual. Well, that's frustrating...
- I thought I would graduate with a better GPA and higher honors. Now I'm pissed.
Joking aside, these unplanned twists and turns have left me discouraged and disappointed. And I've laid all of the blame on one person: me. I have beat myself up for things not turning out the way I had planned, usually thinking things like, "Oh I should have worked harder" or "If only I wouldn't have done that" and, most often, "I didn't do enough." I have struggled with this my whole life, and now that I'm coming to the end of so much, I believe that God wants to heal me of the never-ending battle of perfectionism. And the way he's healing me is through other people.
Over the past week, I have received more positive, encouraging, affirming truths about myself that far outnumber the lies I've been believing about who I am.
- My clients have given me flowers, cards, gifts and banana bread to thank me for helping them.
- My colleagues and supervisors have shared how much they have learned from me and how they have watched me succeed.
- My friends have spontaneously started telling me things they love about me.
- My professors and mentors have helped me realize that regardless of grades or honors or hours, I have done good work and have truly helped others heal. They've also helped me realize that God is healing me. As one professor said today, "God is more interested in your growth than in your comfort."
These all came as surprises to me. How amazing that God uses unexpected gifts to restore unexpected pain...
alair
-I'm staying at Hospice a few weeks longer than I had planned in order to get all of the hours I need to graduate. Ok, I can deal with that...
- I need to log a few more hours of supervision. Kind of a surprise, but I can do that...
- My final senior paper for school is taking longer than usual. Well, that's frustrating...
- I thought I would graduate with a better GPA and higher honors. Now I'm pissed.
Joking aside, these unplanned twists and turns have left me discouraged and disappointed. And I've laid all of the blame on one person: me. I have beat myself up for things not turning out the way I had planned, usually thinking things like, "Oh I should have worked harder" or "If only I wouldn't have done that" and, most often, "I didn't do enough." I have struggled with this my whole life, and now that I'm coming to the end of so much, I believe that God wants to heal me of the never-ending battle of perfectionism. And the way he's healing me is through other people.
Over the past week, I have received more positive, encouraging, affirming truths about myself that far outnumber the lies I've been believing about who I am.
- My clients have given me flowers, cards, gifts and banana bread to thank me for helping them.
- My colleagues and supervisors have shared how much they have learned from me and how they have watched me succeed.
- My friends have spontaneously started telling me things they love about me.
- My professors and mentors have helped me realize that regardless of grades or honors or hours, I have done good work and have truly helped others heal. They've also helped me realize that God is healing me. As one professor said today, "God is more interested in your growth than in your comfort."
These all came as surprises to me. How amazing that God uses unexpected gifts to restore unexpected pain...
alair
1 comment:
Very well said! I'm glad I stopped by to read! And more glad that you were so encouraged by your friends and others. God is so cool like that! {{HUGS}} :) april
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